The Nullifier

So here’s the thing:

I’m terrified to death

That one day,

utterly unbeknownst to me,

you just get up

take the car keys

open the door

step outside

close the door

and disappear

I run to the window and barely catch a glimpse of the rear lights

vanishing about the corner

and in time I find someone new,

a real beefcake,

and I feel attracted to him

and want to be his woman

and he wants me

and we get together

and are happy

so that at the right moment,

when I realize this could be the one,

I press my cheek on his massive pectoral

and remember you

and all the work dissolves into Saharan wind

The Meaning of

I wonder if I got this right -

the meaning of life

and everything and all

is either to transmit messages from Tralfamadore

or to try one’s best

the very, very best, not one bit less

in the name of progress

I guess I’ll never wrap my head around

the right answer

whichever it is.

Most people spend their lives in pointless matters

and see meaning in it,

like they ought

while I stumble and crumble and fight and grind

fearing nothing,

but the dot

The Moment

All this planning and all this preparing and all this thinking

will only lead to a point where

they matter no more,

for only action counts.

I can analyze everything over and over again,

‘till the moment has passed,

or reject thought altogether,

waving my arms in the hustle,

foolishly peering everywhere,

while stumbling in every direction

at once.

How can I know if I’ve reasoned enough

yet not excessively?

How can I know the moment of action?

for it seems like an iterative process,

and I merely have one shot

Freedom

It seems, now

that I am not fit to make my own mind

that the right belongs to someone else

- a stranger,

an utter nobody,

who holds no office in my life

Like a despot he sets the pace of my days

Controlling that which

is not his to control,

Facing decisions that

are not his to face

all awhile appealing to my vitrue,

my duty,

my workload in grace

But the choice is mine and mine alone.

If I cannot choose to work in vain

If I cannot choose to try and fail

If I forfeit my freedom to those in claim

I am the only one to blame

Integrity

My body is shackled

Of ankles, of wrists,

Of arms, of fists

For that’s how Resistance likes it be

My mind is tackled

Of values, of will,

Of toughness, of thrill

For that’s how Resistance likes it be

But Resistance ain’t got nothing on me

I wriggle and struggle to escape the chains

Yet it only makes them tighter

The effort grinds me to the ground

To mark the grave of a fighter

I hear a dying voice within me

As he whips insults:

Who you are today is not the end result

And so the weight begins to feel lighter and lighter

The view I see begins to seem wider and wider

The voice grows stronger, saying more and more

Telling me things, things he will ignore

I am far from hero, I am far from man

But if I cannot do it,

no one can

Resistance is oblivious, Resistance cannot see

Resistance ain’t got nothing on me

Progress

What can be said of my inheritance

If my morale goes down in decadence?

What can be said of my resilience

If I lack my own self-reverence?

I am to imprison the insect,

I am to renounce the recess

For every excess causes a defect,

every defect an excess

Macbeth

I but desire the lack of Macbeth in my thoughts
Whilst he knocks on all the doors of my consciousness
Demanding to be allowed to enter, pleading to his power
and to his lost babies
.......................who sneaked in through the chimney pipe minutes before

With all my might I push to oppose his will
Fighting to overcome this mental dyskinesia
Yet close to fated to fall conquered in the battlefield
coloring the grass brand new

But I refuse to surrender

For if I lose this fight, nothing will be left
the world will twist and turn around me
time will collapse distorted into pieces

and all hope will be gone

an anecdote

now that I think of it
it never occurred to me
that I’d revealed myself in public
that I’d stripped myself of all my clothes,
of all my layers of guard,
and presented my bare skin to craving eyes

it was hardly realizable
only to be seen afterwards

yet it tells something
mainly to me
it says, even though I fought,
even though I gave my all,
I was never brave enough
to bombard the place to the ground

and plant new seeds to the ashes

Nine

His manners will squeeze the truth out of you
then make you beg for forgiveness
it's a standard procedure
for the Satan,
disguised as a mere devil

and force you to choose
between a blue and a red pill

until you say it aloud
the number, of which,
anyone would be but proud

anyone but you
for you can see the Satan inside

Anniversary

A choir of mouths, of lips,
of those of your own blood, your breed
It was fate, so they say
Fate, in an even key

The magnificent form of a victorious pose
it’s a mark, it’s a sign, so they say
and her eyes, only God could have created those
her smile, only Lord has such taste

A choir of mouths, of lips,
of those of your own blood
We shall give birth to wonders, they say, they beam
we will deliver supermen
through these years, these anniversaries

Think about it, think
In an even key
Think just how happy you’d be
If it wasn’t for me

The Secret

They say ignorance is bliss
but does that apply to love as well?
or is this mere curiosity,
poisoning the mind of the fallen

while the ones, the innocent,
live a lie
happy as hell

With my breaking bones I crutch on yesterday’s truth
as evolution combines the two
revelation of secrets, of what was never done back,
dilates my pupils ‘till my eyes turn black

Pretendage

Your vulnerability is hidden beneath thousands of layers
Laid by your own fragile hands
Fingers bleeding of the cactus thorns
that vitalize the many

As you take it to heart:
Fear exceeds bravery

This is the brilliant mockingbird act we’ve all come to see
Fake imitation of what is thought to be worth the honor
as the king of all kings,
While you fail to beg to differ

and leave the heart of your soul
beating cold against the frosty ground

Poland

lost words
petals in the wind mark your departure

suddenly
a million miles from where you are
solitude, your sweet inexistence
it’s such a better place
it’s such a paradise

if only it didn’t haunt me here, your face
in disguise

all fishermen follow their prey

only to realize there was no shark in the waters

[untitled]

The call of masses,
those who refuse to see the obvious
And of individuals,
protecting their image
from the pain of humbleness

Some disappear in arrogant seconds
Holding their ears deaf to the yells of help
because the yeller can surely take it themselves

And martyrdom turns into paranoia,
and paranoia turns into hatred and grudge
and mistrust

because you can’t take it any more than this
and the yeller can surely take it themselves

Autocracy

An unrealized mistake shivered my feet
Through gentle steps, unnoticeable,
And a state of mind of innocence
Judgment follows disclosure

Were those steps the ones I was not to take?
Will your tongue slither,
Swift your duties on me?
Will you blame me ’till I break?

A statement more true than you thought it could be:
Autocracy supersedes curiosity
Avoid my gaze until your blood runs blue
And Kafka would be proud of you

Chess Is Not for Girls

There is no point in challenging you
We both know you can never beat me
We both know you can never cheat me
Outsmart me

For I am a man, am I not?

I am the white crowned pawn
While the beginning already deceased your dark dame
You will lose every single game
Your weakness hidden under fabrics,
Your incomplete brain

Serve me, woman
I’m your feeding hand
Intellect conquers beauty
Don’t you understand?